7 posts tagged “relationships”
Lousy date. Very pompous. Kind of whiny.
Me: "Well...have a good weekend....and...uh...call me...if you want...bye"
Translation: I'm a coward. Please don't call me.
I have a date in about an hour and a half. I do not want to go. Why did I agree to this? We are meeting for a drink. All day I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to say when we say goodbye (because I'm assuming this date will be painful to get through):
1. I had a good time. I'll call you.
2. Sure, we should go out again. I'd like that.
3. Well, we really have nothing in common...
4. I had a nice time, but I'm not feeling that indescribable something that I need to feel.
5. I think we're better off as friends.
or
just
say
Nothing.
Why am I doing this?
I wish I'd never met you. I hate you for what you've done to me, what you've taken from me, what I've willingly handed right over to you. I read back over my diary entries and I wrote with this confidence that I don't have anymore...I said all of the right things to myself, thinking I believed what I was writing...I was just kidding myself, really.
I hate you.
I hate that we've disengaged, and the silence is deafening. I hate that when we talk, there is so much tension hanging above us that it's harder and harder to breathe.
I hate how dependent I've become on you.
I hate that just when I think I'm moving on and doing well, I break down and cry because I miss you so much.
I hate that you make me feel beautiful right when I'm feeling disgusted in my own skin.
I hate the way you make me like myself.
I hate that you are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.
I hate that you're "trying."
I hate that, once again, I'm the one left empty-handed.
I hate that you won't take a leap of faith.
I hate that I want to drink and feel numb.
I hate that I can tell, by the tone of your voice, that you really don't want to hear from me anymore.
I hate that it's easier on you when you don't see me.
I hate that I always try to take the higher road.
I hate that we won't be exchanging Christmas gifts, when I know already what I want to give to you.
I hate that this time last year, I baked you a cake and sang happy birthday and we got into in my bed and ate a piece together.
I hate that I don't want to move on.
But most of all.
I.
Hate.
You.
and
I. Hate. Myself.
So, my date from friday appears to be a psycho. Well, maybe that's a little harsh. More like the stereotypical desparate woman. After our date, he began inundating me with emails. And the emails kind of creeped me out - without getting into it, he was just WAY too into me for only having had one date. I replied to them, but I wasn't encouraging responses - I mean it was during the workday and I had my argument to prepare (which I told him). In one of my replies I commented that I felt a cold coming on. He sent me a "get well" e-card.
Now, I'm not about playing games but I do believe in taking things slowly and not giving out TMI in the beginning. He was starting to get on my nerves. It also turns out that while he is separated, the divorce proceedings have not begun and it didn't sound like they were beginning anytime soon. So screw that. Been there done that. I was going to wait until we spoke to tell him that I wasn't interested in another date, but after all of the emails i decided to just nip it in the bud. I mean, to end it before anything really began. Which I did. So I told him that didn't have anything to offer me, that I was looking for xyz and that exploring a relationship with him would not help me get those those things. So far no response. I'm glad he doesn't have my phone number and I'm unlisted.
Moving on - Friday night I'm going to a Pet Halloween Party! I'm excited - hopefully I'll meet some new people. Maybe Jake Gyllenhall boy will be there with his pug! Eli is going as a dragon. I am going as a Princess. He looks adorable in his costume. So adorable it takes away any guilt I have for making him walk around in it. Besides - it's all for a greater cause - helping me meet some new people - hopefully some single men!
yawn I'm tired. Had an argument in Superior Court today - I think it went really well, but I don't want to jinx myself. It's hard when you aren't the appellant and you are arguing that the Court should affirm the lower court only because I hate to be the one who "loses" the win. And we rarely win at the trial level anyway, so it hurts even more to have the Superior Court take that win away.
I want a boyfriend. I do.
It's saturday night and I just finished cleaning my kitchen. How did I end up like this? If I don't get myself out there I'm going to have a lot more of saturday nights just like this in my future. I wish I could just meet a guy through friends, someone I could become friends with first. I really hate the whole internet dating thing and set-ups. It's so contrite and forced.
It seems like being single is something everyone complains about, so why do I feel like I'm the only one not in a relationship? It seems like every time I meet a guy (when I do meet them) is either married or has a girlfriend. I guess that's part of the reason I'm so reluctant to let go of Mr. Wonderful. I'm afraid to start all over and I'm afraid I'm not going to meet someone else, so settling with a bad relationship (well, not even a full relationship, really) seems better than nothing.
Since Mr. Wonderful and I never had a "real" relationship (like spend holidays, etc. together) and it's been 4 years now that Kevin and I broke up, I almost forget what it's like to be in a relationship. Like what it's like to have someone else to do things with on a regular basis, wake up next to on a sunday morning...I haven't had that in my life for so long now...why have I been so willing to settle with what little Mr. Wondeful offered me?
Maybe part of it is because my break-up with Kevin really devastated me. Really. I mean, I thought we were going to get married. I was done looking around. I knew that he was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. And how it ended - one day him just telling me we didn't have the same "goals" and that he never wanted to get married or have kids - was such a suckerpunch that left me reeling. At times, I still don't think I'm over that break-up.
In a lot of ways, it's been a lost "easier" to carry on with Mr. Wondeful. At least I knew where I stood (nowhere) and I knew where it would go (nowhere). No suckerpunches there. But pain in different ways. Especially since I went and fell in love with him.
I think this is the first time I've admitted to myself that I actually want a boyfriend. I'm tired of being alone.
Finallly my computer is fixed! It really didn't occur to me how much work I had to redo now that I have a new harddrive. Like getting back all of those stored passwords, email addresses, contact numbers, web links. Re-installing a ton of software. Re-installing all of my music. Getting all of the Mac updates. It's been a major pain in the ass. But, my computer works, I have a brand new harddrive, and it didn't cost me any money.
Life has been insanely hectic. I don't even know where to begin. I have had no contact with Mr. X. I have had some contact with Mr. Wonderful, but I'm doing okay. I ran into him one day after work as I was cutting through the park. It wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be, probably because he didn't act like a jerk (well, at least any more than usual). We chatted for a few minutes, hugged, and that was it. The next day he called me at work to thank me for talking to him. We chatted a bit more, and it started to feel just like old times. It doesn't sounds as though the counseling is really doing anything. I think he's right back where he was when he first met me. On Monday he sent me an email saying he had skybox tickets to the NFL game and didn't want to go alone. He kept alluding to me coming along with him, but didn't outright ask me. I told him that I knew what he was doing -- he was trying to get me to volunteer to go so that he could say that he didn't actually invite me. So juvenile. After work, he called me and told me that he was taking his daughter. He sounded so down. Which only made me feel better.
This past weekend I went to Chicago for a work related conference. The conference was painfully boring, but I just love Chicago. I could totally live there. It's such a beautiful city. On the way back to the airport, I fell asleep on the Loop. When I woke up, this really cute guy next to me started to chat me up. It really was just what I needed. He was attractive, my age, NOT MARRIED, intelligent, employed, and even had a pulse! Unfortunately, he lives in Atlanta. Oh well. It was just a great feeling to have a guy chat me up and actually enjoy the conversation. It's a nice reminder that there are other fish in the sea.
So the dog update: Eli spent the weekend with my parents. He (and they) had a blast together. I'm really relieved that it worked out because he was having some serious separation anxiety issues. He's a doll and really the best thing that's happened to me this year. Getting him was one of the best decisions I've ever made. The distraction and all of the new responsibilities have been really good for me. Not just emotionallly, but physically too - I'm walking up a storm so I'm getting a lot of exercise. He and the cat have adjusted to one another pretty well - she tolerates him and he leaves her alone. She is still the boss of the house, though, which is good. At night, she sleeps on my right and he sleeps on my left :)
Maybe someday I'll learn how to treat myself with dignity and respect.
Haven't updated because I've just been too exhausted. Spoke with Mr. Wonderful last night. I initiated the contact last week by emailing him, and the he left the message on my office voicemail. I called him back.
He says he's happier now that we aren't in contact with one another. Happier since he's made his decision and since he's stuck by it. He was so disconnected, so blase, so monotone. I asked him if he was being matter of fact because he really felt that way or whether it was because he needed to be to get through the phone conversation with me. I told him I was shocked that it only took him a month of having no contact with me for him to decide that we didn't have a future together. I was shocked. He said he didn't know why I was shocked, that he had told me he intended on working on his relationship.. That it would be best if I moved on. That he was trying to be "honest" and "going to a lot of AA meetings" and trying to be "grateful for what he had rather than angry about what he didn't have." That life at home had improved since he stopped seeing me.
I could hardly breathe. I just sobbed and sobbed. Finally hung up on him.
Since then, we have exchanged a series of nasty (well, nasty on my part) emails. I finally just said every nasty, horrible, mean thing I've ever wanted to say. Yeah, all of a sudden he finds God and that's it for me. That's it for us.
I was going to cut and paste the email I sent, but it has such horrible things in it - I really went for the jugular - it's just too private and too painful to post. I began this blog as a way to be cathartic about this break up. Right now I go back and forth between absolutely hating him with every ounce of my being to just wanting to grab him and bag him not to do this to me. And I hate the way I feel about myself when I'm at either polar end. I hate hating another person and I hate wanting to be with someone who has hurt me so.
Just once, just once I want something to go the way I want it to go. I can't make any sense of why I ended up in this relationship, why I believed that I was different, that what we had together was different, and that this time my ship would come in.
It is hard to admit the truth: I thought he would pick me. And he didn't. He was never going to, and I just chose to believe otherwise. This whole past month I've been trying to convince myself that I've been picking up the pieces and moving on, getting over hiim. But I was lying to myself. I've really been biding my time, waiting for him to come to his senses and show up on my doorstep.
I am an intelligent person. I have years of education, a professional degree. I've been through some traumatic things and have pulled out on top. I have managed to stop turning to booze on an almost daily basis in an effort to numb my pain. I have defended people charged of the most heinous crimes imaginable and I have prosecuted some dangerous drug dealers. Yet, when it comes to relationships, I just can't seem to get enough of putting myself through enough agony. When is enough enough? When will I reach my bottom? It seems like I'm just not content unless I'm being rejected, abandoned or criticized. I say I want more, but clearly I don't or I'd change my behavior or demand that people treat me with respect. I'm tired of blaming it all on my father. When is enough enough?
